22 September 2011
I’m just copying this whole post in its entirety, but please, do yourself a favor and check out BBQ Jew. I think I jut found my new favorite blog.
I recently lived my nightmare. I ate–”consumed” is a more appropriately clinical term given I did it only in the name of research–most of a package of “Certified Vegan” tofucue. (You can pronounce that last word however you see fit.) I will return to the scene of the crime soon to give you a full report on how this vile product tasted (preview: vile), but today’s post focuses on the packaging.
The Front of the Box
Where to begin? Perhaps the name itself–”bbq pulled shreds.” Shreds of what? Pulled what? And don’t think the small print “meat-free” above the word “bbq” gives me any comfort. Plus, aren’t the words “pulled” and “shreds” redundant?
Was the budget too small to afford paying for capital letters on the packaging? must every word be written in lower case like a jr high text msg? omg luv u tofu, lol!
Why do the words “contains no poultry” appear at the bottom of the picture? You’ve already flaunted that you’re meat-free. Is this small print poultry-free message supposed to make me happy? Or is it an apology? If so, why apologize simply that you’re poultry-free? You look like you’re pretending to be a pulled pork sandwich, so why not mention that your pork-free too? Are you too high falutin to write the word pork?
Why did you think the phrase “enjoy me I’m new” would catch my interest? I’d enjoy you if you were pork, new or old, and not so full of yourself.
Please never use the word “delish” again. Rachel Ray came up with that inane word years ago. And yes I know Rachel Ray’s first name has an “a” in it after the “h.” But frankly I don’t give a damn. (Plus, the second “a” serves no purpose, just like you, bbq pulled shreds.) She can’t cook barbecue and neither can you. Even Rachel Ray knows better than to serve lettuce on a BBQ sandwich. Lettuce, really? Go to the store and buy some cabbage for slaw like you give a crap.
I concede that you have an impressive 19 grams of protein per serving. That’s as much protein as a serving of ham. But where’s your “delish” fat and cholesterol? That’s right, you have no cholesterol and only 2 grams of fat, and both of those puny grams of fat come from your sticky, ketchupy sauce. Loser.
Speaking of sauce, why does your label say “saucy in 2 mins!” anyway? It’s already saucy when I open the package, no two minutes needed. And since the back of the package says it takes 2 1/2 minutes to cook, the 2 minutes claim is doubly wrong.
The Back of the Box
First of all, when a product looks as disgusting as you do, please don’t reveal it with a cutaway. It’s like Aretha Franklin wearing a peek-a-boo dress, nobody wants to see it.
By the way, the phrase “whichever way you make it, it’s all good” isn’t fooling anyone. Nobody likes bbq pulled shreds any which way.
And now the guilt trip. You promote that your product uses “protein from renewable resources.” Unidentifiable slop is a renewable resource? Who knew? I’ll tell you what IS a renewable resource–pigs. And they taste great. Now you know!
And is your brand name really “gardein,” short for “garden protein?” Seriously?! I tried to ignore that on the front of the box but now you’ve gone and put it on the back of the box too. Do you have no shame? And you couldn’t even afford a capital letter for your brand name?
Oh, and don’t even get me started on your ingredients. I’ll deal with that in a few weeks when I explain just how bad you taste. You should be ashamed.
(via BBQ Jew)
21 September 2011
(via Cracked)
None of this will come as huge shock to any of you that are even remotely familiar with the food industry, so really, just think of these as six more reasons to stop eating processed food.
6. The Secret Ingredient: Wood
You know what’s awesome? Newspaper. Or, to be precise, the lack thereof. The Internet and other electric media have all but eaten up classic print media, with the circulations of almost all papers on the wane. Say, do you ever wonder what they do with all that surplus wood pulp?
The Horror:
What do they do with all the cellulose wood pulp? They hide it behind a bullshit name and make you eat it, that’s what.
And everybody’s doing it. Aunt Jemima’s pancake syrup? Cellulose. Pillsbury Pastry Puffs? Cellulose. Kraft Bagel-Fuls? Fast-food cheese? Sara Lee’s breakfast bowls? Cellulose, cellulose, goddamn cellulose.
It turns out that cellulose can provide texture to processed foods, so food companies have taken to happily using it as a replacement for such unnecessary and inconveniently expensive ingredients as flour and oil… Even organic foods are no salvation — after all, cellulose used to be wood and can therefore be called organic, at least to an extent.
But the worst thing about cellulose is not that it’s everywhere. The worst thing is that it is not food at all. Cellulose is, unlike the actual, normal food items you think you’re paying for, completely indigestible by human beings, and it has no nutritional value to speak of. If a product contains enough of it, you can literally get more nutrients from licking the sweet, sweet fingerprints off its wrapper.
5. Zombie Orange Juice
Quick, name the most healthy drink your nearest store has to offer. You said orange juice, didn’t you? …The labels are always about health benefits — the cartons scream “100 percent natural!”, “Not from concentrate!” and “No added sugar!”
And why not believe them? When it comes to making the stuff, orange juice isn’t sausage. You take oranges, you squeeze oranges, you put the result in a carton, with or without pulp. End of story, beginning of deliciousness.
But what if we told you that “freshly squeezed” juice of yours can very well be a year old, and has been subjected to stuff that would make the Re-Animator puke?
The Horror:
Ever wonder why every carton of natural, healthy, 100 percent, not-from-concentrate orange juice manages to taste exactly the same, yet ever so slightly different depending on the brand, despite containing no additives or preservatives whatsoever?
The process indeed starts with the oranges being squeezed, but that’s the first and last normal step in the process. The juice is then immediately sealed in giant holding tanks and all the oxygen is removed. That allows the liquid to keep without spoiling for up to a year. That’s why they can distribute it year-round, even when oranges aren’t in season.
There is just one downside to the process (from the manufacturers’ point of view, that is) — it removes all the taste from the liquid. So, now they’re stuck with vats of extremely vintage watery fruit muck that tastes of paper and little else. What’s a poor giant beverage company to do? Why, they re-flavor that shit with a carefully constructed mix of chemicals called a flavor pack, which are manufactured by the same fragrance companies that formulate CK One and other perfumes. Then they bottle the orange scented paper water and sell it to you.
And, thanks to a loophole in regulations, they often don’t even bother mentioning the flavor pack chemicals in the list of ingredients.
Read the rest on Cracked! They’re horrifying, truly.
20 September 2011
Just a few health/food/nutrition stories catching my eye!
Feed Your Genes: How Our Genes Respond to the Foods We Eat
If you could ask your genes to say what kinds of foods are best for your health, they would have a simple answer: one-third protein, one-third fat and one-third carbohydrates. That’s what recent genetic research from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) shows is the best recipe to limit your risk of most lifestyle-related diseases.
A la Carte: The Artistic and Historical Significance of Menus
There’s no denying that menus hold a certain power. Whether you’re turned on by the typeface or drawn in by the offerings alone, the menu is a restaurant’s calling card of first impressions. In a nod to the cultural value of these documents—and perhaps in reaction to a burgeoning trend toward menu digitization—archivists and designers are giving menus their due credit.
Ingredients of Shady Origins, Posing as Supplements
Pai You Guo, a supposedly natural weight-loss supplement from China that, according to federal authorities, has tested positive in the past for containing two hazardous drugs, including a suspected carcinogen. The product was recalled in 2009. One of Dr. Cohen’s patients in the Boston area ended up in the hospital last year with a range of ailments after taking Pai You Guo, a brand-name that, loosely translated from Chinese, means “the fruit that eliminates fat.”
Travel and Leisure Releases the Top Foodie Cities in America
New Orleans is number one, with San Francisco, Providence, New York City, and Chicago rounding out the top five.
Rachel Wilkerson’s How I Finally Got it Up for Yoga
“This is a really big deal for me because I’ve never been able to get it up for yoga before. Or I would get it up and I’d take a couple classes or try a DVD, but I couldn’t sustain my excitement for very long. I’d go a couple times…and then I’d blow it, disappointing myself and my workout buddies.”
14 September 2011
If you ever have some time, a soft spot for Instagram, a hankering to bake, and a craving for graham crackers, now you know where to channel your energy…
(via Bakerella)
I don’t I’ve ever (or will ever) have any of those things, but these Instagrahams were too cute not to share (thanks, Rach!)
